Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
