I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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