Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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