He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So apparently I’m into choking now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
