Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
