dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
