i think my tv is drunk
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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