They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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