i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
