the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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