My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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