Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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