I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
