We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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