Got a toothbrush?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize