he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize