I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
