everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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