Your face is a jimmy john
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
