Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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