but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
