can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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