Your mouth is God's brothel.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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