Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
