I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
