Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
