I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
tonight lets celebrate not being married
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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