dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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