I'm really into asian looking animals
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize