I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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