Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
