i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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