I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
