I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
