Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
