Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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