My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
