Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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