I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
