apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
