That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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