He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
They took my balls.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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