I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I need a beard to bite.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
