i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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