meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize