I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We are two peas in an std pod
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
