Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
