I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
