Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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