Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
