I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
