My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
