I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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