My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
