Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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