And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
