maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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