I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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