FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
