Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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