dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
