I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I won the penis lottery.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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