I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We need a shit load of segways right now
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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