mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Randomize
