Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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