youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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