she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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