So drunk, too bad you don't want this
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
