Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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