"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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